I was recently asked how I handled going to events with my Narcissistic Ex-Husband. I am not a therapist, but I have been trying to co-parent with my narcissistic ex for 6+ years and I’ve come a long way. So learn from my mistakes.
I was in the midst of what I now realize was a mental breakdown caused by emotional abuse I had been receiving for years from my ex-husband, combined with my ex-boyfriend’s manipulative mind games that I was too blinded by love to see.The constant mental abuse made me crazy. “As in put your 2 kids in a car and go bang on your boyfriend’s door in the middle of the night” crazy. He proclaimed out of nowhere that night, I was needy because I text him throughout work days and he needed a break. He hung up the phone and blocked me. I went crazy, not realizing it was a mental mind fucking game and he was the the Gamemaster. I was devastated. After hours of laying in bed, overthinking, I decided that the best thing to do was to beg for him back, I took my two sleeping children, put them in the car at 4 am and drove 19 miles to beg for him back. His friend spending the night answers the door and tells me to go home or CPS was going to take my kids. I leave, it didn’t hit me till hours later what I had done. Still to this day, I am ashamed that I put my children in that position.
A Personal Story of Domestic Violence and Why I Stayed – Part 1
He and I sat there and grimaced, watching the news report on a domestic violence incident. A woman was hospitalized in critical condition because she had been beaten so badly by her abusive husband. “What a horrible man,” he said, then a long silence, followed by “Why would anyone stay?” I replied, “I don’t know. So sad.”
That’s because less than a year ago I wrote a letter titled “If you find me dead…” I was in a state of mental chaos. I was being told by two different men that I was terrible for not “being on their side.” That image of a child’s arm being pulled by one parent and the other by the other parent, that was me. Except I was the one in the middle. My emotionally abusive ex husband and father of my children telling me I am worthless and to kill myself on one arm. On the other, my “physically abusive but only while using alcohol or drugs, otherwise he’s great, live-in” boyfriend. Both telling me how they can’t believe I won’t take their side.
I knew that if my life continued like this, I would either end up dead at the hands of my now ex-boyfriend or by taking my own life because I couldn’t handle the emotional abuse I had been enduring over the past years.
Why am I writing this?
Almost daily I see on Facebook or on the news something about abuse. Sometimes it’s needing advice about a terrible narcissistic ex trying to ruin your life, sometimes it’s stories of domestic violence. Whatever your story is, someone else has been through it and has survived. At the time, I felt I had no one to share my pain and story with, because no one else I knew had gone through what I had. I was too afraid to tell my friends and family for fear of judgement. I had no one to go to. So I spiraled into a deep depression. I felt hopeless. My goal is to reach women like my myself, that feel hopeless and show them, that they are not alone. That they too can grow and help themselves. I still struggle daily and I am hoping this will continue my growth towards healing myself, ending the stigma of mental health, give a voice to victims of domestic abuse, and shedding a light on emotional abuse.