So there we are, my boyfriend and I sitting in the lobby of the courtroom. I am panicking, which is normal whenever I get anxious. He tells me that everything is going to be fine in an hour and not to worry. I trust him.
My first date was almost 20 years, which terrifies me. Over the course of those 20 years I cannot tell you how many times I would get mad if my boyfriend went out without me.
It always keeps ad to some huge argument or me rage texting the guy, which would lead to me becoming angrier because he was ignoring me. It took this happening countless times over 18 years to discover why I acted the way I did when my boyfriend went out without me.
A Personal Story of Domestic Violence and Why I Stayed – Part 1
He and I sat there and grimaced, watching the news report on a domestic violence incident. A woman was hospitalized in critical condition because she had been beaten so badly by her abusive husband. “What a horrible man,” he said, then a long silence, followed by “Why would anyone stay?” I replied, “I don’t know. So sad.”
That’s because less than a year ago I wrote a letter titled “If you find me dead…” I was in a state of mental chaos. I was being told by two different men that I was terrible for not “being on their side.” That image of a child’s arm being pulled by one parent and the other by the other parent, that was me. Except I was the one in the middle. My emotionally abusive ex husband and father of my children telling me I am worthless and to kill myself on one arm. On the other, my “physically abusive but only while using alcohol or drugs, otherwise he’s great, live-in” boyfriend. Both telling me how they can’t believe I won’t take their side.
I knew that if my life continued like this, I would either end up dead at the hands of my now ex-boyfriend or by taking my own life because I couldn’t handle the emotional abuse I had been enduring over the past years.
Why am I writing this?
Almost daily I see on Facebook or on the news something about abuse. Sometimes it’s needing advice about a terrible narcissistic ex trying to ruin your life, sometimes it’s stories of domestic violence. Whatever your story is, someone else has been through it and has survived. At the time, I felt I had no one to share my pain and story with, because no one else I knew had gone through what I had. I was too afraid to tell my friends and family for fear of judgement. I had no one to go to. So I spiraled into a deep depression. I felt hopeless. My goal is to reach women like my myself, that feel hopeless and show them, that they are not alone. That they too can grow and help themselves. I still struggle daily and I am hoping this will continue my growth towards healing myself, ending the stigma of mental health, give a voice to victims of domestic abuse, and shedding a light on emotional abuse.