My first date was almost 20 years, which terrifies me. Over the course of those 20 years I cannot tell you how many times I would get mad if my boyfriend went out without me.
It always keeps ad to some huge argument or me rage texting the guy, which would lead to me becoming angrier because he was ignoring me. It took this happening countless times over 18 years to discover why I acted the way I did when my boyfriend went out without me.
Jealousy or Insecurities?
The most important thing you can ask yourself when you get upset that your boyfriend went out without you is:
Am I jealous that he is going out without me or do I not trust him when he goes out?
Once you have your answer to that question, you can focus on how to handle your feelings and the situation.
Jealousy
In most of my personal situations where I would get upset my boyfriend went out without me, my irrational reactions were provoked by jealousy.
Boyfriend: I’m going out with friends tonight
Me: Oh I thought we had dinner plans tonight
Boyfriend: Ya but I hardly get a guy’s night out…
Me: Whatever you’re such a dick, you always pick your friends over me, even though you get to see them all the time for lunch or happy hour during the week. Plus, I only get a few kid free nights a month and now I’m losing one because you rather have a guy’s night out. So fuck you have a great fucking night.
Can’t tell you how many times some form of that conversation has happened…usually followed with some rage texts or calls
Ok, so you’re jealous he went out without you
Ask yourself why are you jealous?
I would be jealous he was going to spend time with others over me. That we had plans and he canceled them for his friends. Not only was he going to have fun without me, I was going to sit at home and do nothing.
So what do I do if I’m jealous?
Now when I get upset that my boyfriend went out without me I handle the situation differently.
Boyfriend: I’m going out with friends tonight
Me: Oh I thought we were going to dinner tonight
Boyfriend: Ya but I hardly get a guy’s night out
Me: Look, I am upset that you canceled your plans with me to hang out with your guys because now I am going to sit at home bored by myself while you’re out having fun and I’m jealous. So while I want you to have fun with your friends, I’m going to sit here and pout/be mad at you for an hour but then I will get over it because I realize we have plenty of more chances in our lives to have dinner where as you have no clue when you will get to see your guys all at once again.
Allow yourself to be jealous or mad for a set amount of time, then move on. Be vulnerable, tell him, that you’re jealous and why you’re jealous and it might not seem rational to him but it is how you feel.
He needs to realize your feelings are valid just as much as you need to realize his feelings about the situation are valid too. Disagreeing about how one another feel about the situation isn’t the real issue so don’t let trying to change how each other feel about the situation be the issue.
You’re upset that he’s going out. He thinks it’s crazy that you’re upset. Arguing isn’t going to make him change his feelings about the situation, it makes him think you’re crazy. Him yelling that you shouldn’t be the least bit upset he canceled your plans together isn’t going to make you stop being upset, it’s going to make it worse.
If he is upset that you’re jealous or mad after you explain to him why you feel that way; you need to question why he thinks he should have control over your feelings and why he thinks they aren’t valid.
Jealousy Summed Up
- Just because you disagree on how each other should feel or that the other’s feelings are irrational, doesn’t make them invalid
- Feelings are valid, it is how you express those feelings that make you look crazy or rational
- Arguing over how each other feels in order to change their feelings is pointless
- If you fear or can’t tell your significant other the reason (even if it is silly, stupid, irrational) you are acting a certain way, you need to focus on learning healthy ways to communicate
When the answer is insecurities
If insecurities are the reason behind you being upset your boyfriend went out without you, you have to ask yourself:
Am I feeling insecure about him going out because of his past actions or because of something dealing with me?
His Actions
Are upset because he isn’t the most responsible guy when he goes out? You have to ask yourself is this a once in a blue moon type of thing or a regular occurrence?
If it happens on occasion—and it can be any sort of undesirable behavior, drinking too much, the friends he is with, stays out later than he says—-you should decide if this is something that you are willing to tolerate in your relationship or not.
I would get upset when my ex-husband smoked weed. It caused huge arguments. At the time I believed it was about the weed but now I realize the problem wasn’t the weed. The problem was me trying to control his behavior to coincide with mine. If the behavior is something that you 100% don’t want in your life; you have to be able to walk away. I wasn’t willing to walk away from a marriage over pot. That would be stupid. So, I had to be ok with smoking pot with his friends at concerts if I wasn’t going to move on. You have to accept the behavior as if it could or is going to happen or move on. As harsh as it sounds.
Finding a compromise when it is his past actions
Once you realize you’re not going to change his behavior without some sort of major resentment from him and once you let go of trying to control his actions—it’s super controlling, you wouldn’t want him to tell you that you couldn’t have a girl’s night out—you have to figure out things you both can do to help ease your mind.
Come up with something he could do to make you feel better but make sure it isn’t controlling. My boyfriend at the time and I came up together that he would let me know by 10 p.m. what time he would be coming home by. If that time changed, he would let me know in advance.
10 pm
Boyfriend: I’ll be home by midnight
Me: Thanks for letting me know
11:00 pm rolls around boyfriend sees that the guys aren’t going to be heading out in the next 30 minutes
Boyfriend: Hey, we are still having drinks and talking. It’s probably going to be closer to 1 when I get home
Me: Sounds good, thanks for letting me know, have fun and be safe!
That may or may not work for your relationship. Find something you both can do—him letting you know in advance and you not getting upset— to help nurture your trust.
Your Insecurities
If the issue is that you are afraid he is going to cheat, then you have to ask why you feel that way. If he hasn’t given you a reason to not trust him, then what is causing you to be insecure about him going out without you?
Past traumas of infidelity caused by men in your past?
Maybe you haven’t been cheated on, maybe something less serious occurred. As small of a situation can seem, it can cause big problems.
I saw a busy business man very casually for 2 years. The last time I saw him it was for drinks, we said our goodbyes, and I went home. I found out he was engaged 3 months later. I wasn’t cheated on, I hadn’t even done anything inappropriate with the man, just occasional drinks and dinner. However, finding out he was getting married and I didn’t have a clue he had a serious girlfriend really shook me.
How many other men did this? Had I gone out with a man in a committed relationship before and had no clue? Had a guy I had been in a committed relationship with done this to me?
He and I weren’t in a relationship. I dated others too. I wasn’t cheated on nor did I unknowingly have an affair with this man. Yet it caused me to developed a general mistrust in men.
Realizing the work that needed to be done was on myself, not on the men I date. Building up my self esteem and self confidence, allowed me to be a more secure person. Trying to change a man’s behavior doesn’t make you feel more secure, if anything it fuels the insecurity. Learning to set boundaries for myself and more importantly how to enforce them lead to meeting more desirable men. Ones that respect me and my boundaries which encourages the development of a secure relationship.
Insecurities Summed Up
- Is it your issues or his causing it?
- Let go of trying to control the others’ behavior and feelings
- What is something you both can do to help ease the fear? Him communicating his plans as soon as he knows them? You not getting so upset when plans change?
- Work on your self confidence and resolving traumas
- Learn to set boundaries for yourself and how to enforce those, and knowing when to walk away
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